This title could refer to more than one thing. However, I want to focus on only one, which is rather less emotional but still very personal. The other topic I’m trying to avoid as it would make me horribly and miserably sad to discuss…for now.

‘Last night I dreamt about him, again. My dream showed a situation where I received a message from him. This message contained coded information addressed to ME ONLY. By the looks of it it seemed to be a highly private and challenging message. The coded notion had to be deciphered in order to start a virtual conversation.The message said: “(Please) encrypt in order to start talking to me (again). You must know the four digits I’m asking for. If you really cared about me you wouldn’t hesitate typing them out right now.”

This message destroyed me completely. I have never been so struck by his words because after 8 months of utter silence I suddenly had to act upon pressure, or otherwise I would lose him once again. It seems ridiculous that I had to “work” for our communication. He was the one who left me over facebook messanger on a peaceful sunday afternoon, hence why he should be the one returning to me without demands. I’m baffeled and angry. Why is he doing this?

At first, I couldn’t move the muscles in my fingers. I left the message “uncoded” to think about it for a while. My thoughts made no sense. I was confused, stressed and experienced total fear of being left alone after such an intrusion. I wish I had never come across his message.

In the next few minutes, my phone rings again. Another message. This time it says: “I really want to talk to you again. I miss you. I really hope you can decode it otherwise it would be such a shame. I put much thought into it. Please think carefully and intensively what the combination of numbers could be. We’ve known each other for three years, you must know.”

“What an asshole.”, I said to myself out loud. Then I woke up…

Since he’s gone… I dream about him. Afterall, I remember him saying to me: “We will forever be a dream, right?” ‘Dreams’ was always his favourite word to associate me with when we were not together.

And wait… Did you mean four digital numbers as in “real” numbers or the four digits of your initials?

Fuck.’

Avene.