My whole life is simply a contradiction. A rupture, a mirror image, a division, a dichotomy, a conflict, a gemini-like creature. I call this phenomenon the story of my life. No joke, everything I do or think about or “decide” on gets torn into two immediately. I don’t know if I personally do it intentionally, or if it’s in my nature to behave this way, but it’s honestly so hard to live with. It’s a major indecisiveness ruling over my mind and soul. It’s like there are two tiny little groups of monsters telling me to say one thing but do another, or vice versa. It’s like they are constantly involved in a war inside my head and heart. What are they fighting for? Are they fighting till my last breath? Till I have made a million mistakes and lost things and people I hold dear? What is their problem??? So am I the problem???!!!

Few examples: I’m trying to decide on subject choices for university – fail. I try to apply for a job – no respone. I try to imagine myself what job I would love to do, I mean I have unlimited options and choices – no clue who I want to be. I am also writing a lot but I can never decide on the outcome or key moments and character traits – waste of time. I sit in my room for hours and just think, brainstorm, have some other type of action and not just useless war in my head – Still, I can’t come up with anything. I am consistently stimulating my senses to trigger ideas and develop inspiration from music, photos, small talk and deep conversations, movie-watching, walking and (no) sleeping – no success. Every night I dream about the wildest things, ranging from horror scenes to soppy moments, confusing fusions of events and fears and dreams. I am really confused. Those tiny monsters are messing with me.

I once thought about writing down my dreams because they seemed crazily inventive; peculiar and original ideas that I had, but I never did. Maybe that’s my wasted creativity boom I’m constantly developing and dropping because I’m lazy and hopeless to put some effort into this. What are the monsters trying to tell me: You’re not gonna have it easy? Life sucks but you suck more? Honestly, it can only be a negative aspect when someone can’t decide which flavour ice cream they want to buy or what food to eat, which bar to pick, what to even THINK. It’s unhealthy. And because of those monsters, who ultimately represent and shape my personality and character, I remain stuck in the same position over and over and over again. I do things I don’t want to do and I know they are wrong too if I decide to do them, but I do them anyway. Why do I do this? Is everybody predisposed to incredibly high levels of no self-control like me?

I have self-restriction and stopping points, and manners and morals, and definetly standards, but no control. Isn’t it supposed to be sort of the same thing, restriction, control… Am I playing dumb?

Monsters, please leave my body and mind. My life keeps getting more exhausting and my walls fall apart way too fast for my liking.